Ella's Oneshots

[Ella]

Fandom: Star Trek: Discovery
Summary: Lorca wakes up on the U.S.S. Caitlain after what with the U.S.S. Buran, and has a discussion about his future with Admiral Cornwell.
Words: 1061

Daniel Comes to Judgement

The pain in his head wasn’t searing anymore when he woke up. He must have slept, however much he had willed himself to stay awake. Even Lorca knew that the human body had its limitations.
He didn’t dare to open his eyes.
It wasn’t the pain. His eyes felt numb compared to the stabbing in his brain, and he knew they must have drugged him up pretty bad. He was afraid of what he would see. To find himself back on the his ship, to find himself staring into the eyes of his dead lieutenants, however impossible that was. He knew where he was, and yet he wasn’t completely able to believe it.
It was because of this awareness that he was simultaneously afraid to find out what they had done. He knew it was irrational – they weren’t even allowed to do anything major without his explicit permission – but he was afraid of what they had done while he was asleep. What if he had woken up with a set of completely new eyes?
A hand touching his, fleetingly. Not a doctor then. He tried to find his voice, but he was still drowsy. How long had he been out?
“Three days.”
How could he still feel this exhausted after three days? The other hand didn’t hesitate now, and slowly squeezed his. It was a pleasant feeling, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he deserved it at this point.
“You can open your eyes, Gabriel. I’m not sure if it will hurt – it probably will – but the lights are dimmed.
Lorca slowly opened his eyes. She was right. It did hurt, but the sting was not as sharp as it had been before, and he was somehow able to find comfort in it. It told him that he was alive, that he had survived, and of the cost at which he had done so. The woman sitting next to his bed nothing more than a fuzzy blob of human. “Katrina.” His voice croaked, and he wished it wouldn’t.
She was still holding his hand, stroking it softly. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” He tried to smile, but ended up grimacing. Even this light was almost too much for his eyes, and he slowly felt the pain creep back into his head, as if his skull was under the pressure of cracking.
Katrina pressed a button to her left, and Lorca immediately felt some of the pain ebb away. “Don’t give me that bullshit. You’ve had quite a shock, literally and figuratively speaking.”
“It had to be done,” he said curtly. He knew he’d have to defend his actions, but he’d hoped she would understand. Katrina Cornwell was the closest he had to a friend, and even when she hadn’t been his friend, she had always been his ally. And he had done the right thing, hadn’t he? He believed that. He must believe that. He had to trust his own judgement, even over hers. Then the realisation hit him. “Admiral.”
She snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous, Lorca. I don’t blame you for your actions.”
“Some people will,” he murmured.
“You knew that when you pushed that button.”
Lorca didn’t answer. She was right, of course. She usually was. It was one of the most infuriating things about her. She was somehow always right, always better. She would have found another way. “What’s going to happen now?” He was glad he wasn’t able to read her facial expression, and realised too late that while he may not be able to see her properly, that didn’t hide him for her gaze. She could probably read every single emotion of his face, and he wished he was able to hide it better, but the idea of being relieved of his duties, of not being on the front line, not being able to fight back after what had happened… He wasn’t sure if he would be able to bear it.
Katrina seemed to think for a while. “I’m not sure. You’ll have to recover, but –”
“There’s a war to fight.”
“And we do need you. I’ve put you forward for a position as a Captain.”
Lorca felt an enormous weight fall off his shoulders. “Thank you.” He would be ready to be back. However he looked at it, he knew he wasn’t ready right now, but a week, two weeks maximum, and he had to be back in action. He had wasted three whole days already. “Can’t imagine many people are as eager as you to see me return to the war.”
Her lips were a thin line, and she sighed. “Starfleet will never publicly approve of your actions, I’m as sure of that as you are. But there are many people out there who understand your decision, Gabriel, and view it as the most desirable course of action.”
But they couldn’t understand. They hadn’t been there. They hadn’t seen it. Lorca blinked uncomfortably. He would keep seeing it.
“You should get your eyes done,” she said, as if she had been reading his thoughts.
“No.”
“Dr. Korsac is able to provide an excellent surgery. Look into it. There’s more than one option, if you –”
“I want to keep my own eyes.”
“Out of the question. Gabriel, you can hardly see at the moment. They’ll never completely heal naturally, and it would take –”
“They’ll heal enough.”
“I personally recommended you.”
Her disappointment was almost tangible. Her hair shone in the dimmed light, and he wished she would take his hand again. He wished he could explain, but he knew she would never understand. Not even her, with all her knowledge of the human psyche. How could she understand what he himself didn’t even fully grasp. The expiration of so many lives, so many souls… It’s not something within human comprehension until you truly see it with your own two eyes.
“I’m keeping my eyes.” He didn’t look at her, and sneered. “You still have time enough to revoke your recommendation.”
“You know I wouldn’t do that.” Her voice softened.
I don’t know anything anymore. “I’ll be ready for active duty when you call on me.”
“Good.”
Lorca felt like something had broken. Like there was something he’d said that had snapped the metaphorical fish line, and any connection between them was now lost.
“Lorca?” Cornwell asked, as she was turning away. “Don’t make me regret this.”